When you are free

I could have considered myself American once...when I was living in New York City where I thought the true America could possibly reside. It seemed that everything strange and unusual had a definite degree of acceptance. Being somewhat Asian, picking up a Latin beat and wanting to explore the world, but maintain a spiritual closeness, was okay.

Then I moved back to Asia: South Korea to be specific, and it seemed that the world was going to turn on its hinges again for me, especially culturally. The church I attended (all Korean) started to consider me part of their flock, one of the family, part of the tribe. I liked that. Suddenly Korea was not a country infested with rude people, horrible drivers, and a completely unintelligible language. There were nice people here, and I belonged to them: for a time.

I've lived in Germany for three months now, and am starting to study German with a more steady pace as my German and Spanish begin to meld together. My brain thinks they are the same language, much the same way my brain thought Korean and Japanese were the same language (even some of the letters have similar shapes, but different sounds). Like "ka" and "fu" same shape: different sound. More to the point, I have already begun to blend visually: in a way that has been startling and confusing for both me and others.

I open my mouth to utter a few German words that have just the right lilt to pass me off for a few seconds. Suddenly, a whole conversation begins and I haven't been discovered...until I reach the impasse of not understanding any longer or utter "oh $@#%" like I did in Real today when I realized I hadn't weighed and labeled some of my fruit. Or, I simply say in German "I'm sorry, my German just isn't very good." (Forgetting in my nervousness to add "I've only lived here three freakin' months). About half the people I encounter are completely floored. They were convinced I was German, their suprise always scares me, because I think "Man, I really need to improve my German then." I was even waiting outside an event with a woman whom I had already introduced myself to in English and a few minutes later she started to speak in German to me, and then stopped, "I just can't believe you're not German,"she exclaims.

The best part of all is when I explained this whole scenario to an American girl (very new to Germany also) she stated simply, "Well of course they think you're German, no offense, but you have a German nose."

Ah ha. There lies the rub. I began to tap my nose and gaze at it fondly thinking "You are the source of all my grief, my little friend!" (Not really).

The best comment of all, since moving here, was while walking in Nurnberg (a.k.a Nuremberg) and a friend stated to me, after realizing I had never seen Saturday's Warrior, "Well, you're not really American anyway." And, I felt a little sad in my heart for reasons I am still trying to straighten out.

Being American is supposed to be an all-encompassing feeling that we all belong. In reality that isn't true. We have all these regional factions who claim their own form of the American Dream. And they compete every election year for the spotlight. In addition, we have a pop-culture spinning out its own version of the American Dream: have lots of sex, wear skimpy clothes (unless you're a dude who's straight), eat organic, spend lots of money or other people's money and blame all your mistakes on someone else.

Then there is the new American dream, which is really a new world order when you come down to it: people like me who belong everywhere and nowhere. I felt I belonged in Asia, but would never truly blend in. I blend in, somewhat in Europe, until I open my mouth. I am truly stuck between many worlds and I haven't even brought in the interesting part. I am also Mormon (better known as Latter-day Saint), which complicates and rounds out everything perfectly.

I would like to think I belong to the new American dream, which is that I actually know where countries are on the map. When someone makes a comment about Estonia I don't say "What city is that in Russia?" and people aren't suprised that I know where Brunei is, just because I'm American. Or, that I'm aware that the United States became a unifed country before Italy did in the late 1800s. The list could go on.

I could say that this knowlede is all because I am some super hybrid who was blessed with an amazing talent for amassing geographical data, and has nothing to do with being a new type of American. However, there are plenty of us out there: very comfortable living outside our country. Indeed, there are those who can co-exist with other cultures living inside of them and still carry a blue passport that says "Los Estados Unidos" in English, of course. We also don't immediately walk into a restaurant and say "Do you have an English menu" in a Texan accent.

I wish I could say that more of my countrymen are "blendable." The vast majority are not ever-expansive in their mindsets, just as most people who live in most industrialized countries are perfectly happy where they are. And I do not wish to ask them to join the new world order, just to acknowledge that everyone does not fit into a category.

As I stepped off the elevator after heaving my mineral wasser and groceries into the hallway I was reminded of sitting on the stoop in New York City at 2am and watching the city hum and buzz with life, even at that late hour. I was a foreigner in my own country then, just as much as I am a foreigner in Germany. But, I find I am comfortable with this specter-like status, wandering between worlds. I think it is the way things are meant to be and perhaps is the only true form of freedom available to mortals at the moment, because nothing media is toting will bring you freedom other than seeing life through someone else's eyes and reaching new levels of understanding.

What would our world be like if we chose to understand rather than assume, appreciate rather than label? It would be an interesting world indeed.