Desire vs. Love

One of my students: C.F. wrote this amazing essay about desire versus love. It is hilarious, honest, truthful, and brilliant. One of my coworkers said that it was all said to pander to me and my tastes, ideologies, etc... But, who says children cannot possess a certain veracity that adults refuse to acknowledge.

I've been home all day and felt a certain retrospection come upon me. One of my friends, C, said that if I want to be an accomplished playwright, super-hero, then I am. Just because others have acknowledged this fact, does not make it true. Then, after imparting other positive-thinking modules of thought she abruptly stated she had to go. I felt like I had been lured into some semi-multi-marketing scheme and then the switch was pulled on me. I mulled over what was said, looked at the book she gave me, which I find quite hilarious. And, I talked to someone else. I think I was officially put in my place regarding my disrespect for some very sound advice.

So, I sit on my floor in the living room, zabuton underneath my crouched computer typing position thinking about how I'm a superhero. I've watched the day pass from my living room and bedroom. I'm hungry for Thai food. My friends are sick (physically) and my retrospection continues.

I just glanced at this photo of this writer who has finished a fictional piece about the post cyber boom. He was handsome. However, handsome is always past tense unless there is some reality (i.e. an actual conversation face-to-face) to back up your visual feast. I don't believe in beauty. I really think it is a curse. I'm not beautiful, but I have been told I am and I believe that beauty only hurts people. It is truly a tool of deception. If I was blind, I think I would have made completely different choices? Ah, but perhaps it is not what we see, but what attracts us that is deceptive.

Perhaps all the lonely people out there accept beauty as a substitute for love, respect, and a truthful existence. Perhaps it is harder to achieve a true relationship, so we settle for whatever wafts in front of us. I feel like riding a bicycle, and pondering all of this next to the ocean or some large body of water. Instead, I'm surrounded by walls, the sound of melting snow, and slushy streets.

It's time for Thai food.

SENTIMENTS FOR ONE WHO DOES NOT CARE

The sunlight doesn't last long
as it flicker filters through
your dust flecked window.

It seems darkness overshadowed
my sighs and mental black-outs
into nothingness and despair
as I untearfully unfolded
the many unsaid
---explanations--
that laid in the palm of my hand,
on the tip of my tongue

The pink petal sleeves of my shirt
were more easily unravelled than
my tales of woe that
only seemed like mere specks on your window

They had left me grey and barren
there was no life to these fossilized remnants

yet, the conjuring brought me short
in loose-fitting pin-stripe pyjama pants
incense wafting in and out
knees curled up to chest

as I contemplated how the day did not last long enough
the night stole my words,
and thrust them into the open blackness:

the space between me and you:
my fingertips softly tracing your forehead

You said you didn't care
about
anybody

as I held my words in the palm of my hand.